I’m Still Standing!
It may not mean much to you but it’s heavy for me. I made it to see 2021! In 2020, there were so many times where I took what would have been my last breath. I’m still here today to keep doing the work that I am meant to do. I’m still here today because I am stronger than what I am given credit for. I’m still here today because NOTHING and NOBODY can stop me. Not even me!
A Little History!
If you have been following along over the past two years, you know that I was diagnosed with PTSD w/ Psychosis. I was originally diagnosed with depression and anxiety as a child. Back in 2019, I decided to go back to therapy because I found myself finally acknowledging that I was at a point where I was a danger to myself and others. I needed to seek help and treatment. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at first but eventually, it became PTSD w/ Psychosis. I spent 2020 STRUGGLING! For me, it was easier to manage my mental state when I avoided being around people. When I’m around people, I believe every time someone does something that I do not like, they’re “trying me”.
They’re ”trying” my newfound patience. That is not to say that it was never done on purpose. People tend to try you on purpose when they see that you are quiet and seem timid. Unbeknownst to them, you may be timid because you are afraid of what YOU would do to THEM if a problem arose. In 2020, people tested my ability to control my actions. And let me tell ya, I have A LOT of self-control. I am so grateful for the amount of self-control that I have instead of just letting go. The times that I did lose control, I still was able to show a slither of restraint to where I could still rein myself back in.
The depression was so real!
I spent so much time trying to uplift others even while they were steady beating me down. At my lowest, I lifted others to their highs, rooting for them to succeed. Helping them recognize their greatness. While myself and others beat down on me. And yet, I am still standing. I am still uplifting others.
People see your reactions but a lot of times they don’t see what’s behind the smoke and mirrors. Some of us go through some really traumatic experiences but the only thing that is spotlighted is our reactions. I do not expect anyone to react positively every single time; however, sometimes we just have to TRY at least. That self-control will save a lot of souls. If you need to be medicated to do that, go for it. If you are into holistic treatment, do that. Do something that will help and not harm. If you are at the point where you cannot do anything, try, and let someone else help you. Yeah, I know “I don’t need anyone’s help” but the truth is…. YOU DO! And that is being said for me as well.
Now, I won’t throw 2020 under the bus completely. 2020 was pretty cool. I grew:
I accepted my spiritual gifts instead of blocking them as I did for 2 decades. I embraced my spirituality and began seeing things from a different perspective.
I accepted that it was somewhat okay to have feelings. It’s still a work in progress, I’m not perfect!
I was faced with so many experiences that I avoided in the past because I KNEW the outcome would be bad every time. I surprised myself and was able to handle a lot more than I was able to in my younger years of being in society. By being force back into society after decades of hermitting, I shocked myself.
Sincerely, Jalika Cherie expanded and I began working for myself. It became more than just me blogging, it became a platform to help and uplift others. Whether it be with my words or my handmade products. I do what I do because I love it. Being able to monetize doing what I love is just an added bonus.
I was able to love ME again. I began to take care of ME. I blossomed into a whole new person inside and out. I learn to embrace my femininity more. Although, I can still rock a suit tie and a certain person is just jealous of my swag, so they tell me, “you said you want to be more feminine, that’s not feminine!”. *eye roll*