April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month. In honor of this month, I will share my story with you all. Before I get into it, I want to answer a very common question which is, Why didn’t I report it? The first time I said nothing out of the fear of no one believing me. The second time I reported it, I was believed by one person. After that, I saw no need to report anything because I felt it was pointless since nothing would happen. I want you all to know that you should not do what I did. You HAVE to report it or it will never stop. I have many experiences and had I said something, it would not have happened as many times than it did.
Please keep in mind that this post may be a trigger for some. Some of this information may be new to even the closest people to me but here goes…..
The First Time: Molestation
I can’t remember my exact age but I can say that I was between the ages of 4 and 6. My mom had a best friend from church who she would always go to church with. They would go to retreats together and everything. There came a time when my mom left my sister and me in the care of this woman’s mother. She decided that she wanted to give my sister and me a bath. I refused because I was old enough to wash myself and I made it known (I was sassy) to which she replied: “Just do this for me, my daughter is grown so I have no one to take care of and I’ll tell your mom you were misbehaving”.
I put my head down as she put me in the sink and washed me. It was painful and I wanted to hurt her. She made sure to linger in my nonozone. I was humiliated. What could I do at that age? I was a runt. Didn’t stop me from hating this woman though. To this day I still think about it and how mad I was at my mom for leaving me with her.
The Second Time: Unwanted Sexual Touching
The second time was in elementary school. There was a boy that would constantly grab my butt every single day and run. It went from him touching butt to touching my nonozone causing me pain. It went on for months because teachers ignored it. Another boy tried it and I punched him so hard he went flying across the gym. Since the teacher did nothing, I started hitting. Of course, I eventually got into trouble which is when my mom came up to the school and I told her what was going on. It stopped after that. The punishment the main boy received wasn’t good enough for me but it was a lesson learned. These people will get away with it so why say anything at all.
The Close Call: Molestation
I was in Junior High School. My friend and I went to hang out with her bf. You know it was back in those days when your friend would beg you to come with them. So, I did. Everything was cool. I met a cool older guy (or so I thought) and we were just talking about different things. My friend and her bf decided to leave so I stayed behind and kept talking. The naivety of me! Once he decided the cost was clear he came on to me. I guess due to my size and once I started to cry he eventually accepted that what he was doing was wrong.
I call this the close call because he was not able to penetrate. He began to panic and apologize and didn’t want me to tell because it would ruin his soccer scholarship and career. He offered to drive me home but I just left and walked home by myself. That friend of mine took it upon herself to be mad that I didn’t find her. I cursed her out, told her what happened to me and told her she was selfish. Somehow, I remained friends with her up until a few years ago and I experienced a lot while being her friend. Glad that friendship is over.
The Stepfather: Molestation
My mom decided she was going to start dating years after her and my father were divorced. She met a guy who I did not trust from the beginning. The first day he came over he used the bathroom, I went in after him and sprayed. My sister and I came out holding and fanning our noses and said: “Wooo, you stink”. I guess that was the day I made an enemy. Eventually, they decided to get married and he moved in with us. I was not happy about that. I tried to be friendly with him, but he continued to show me why I shouldn’t be around him. He wanted to get rid of us and have my mom to himself which he made known behind her back.
There was a time where I made him cry because I told him about himself. I told him he was a terrible person and how I didn’t like or trust him. He cried to my mom and I got into trouble while he laughed behind her back. One day I woke up to pain in my nonozone and my bra hanging off with my legs spread. I immediately looked at my door which was open and I saw him scurry away. I had the kind of door that didn’t lock. It slid closed but I made sure I closed it when I was sleeping and even asked for a lock because I didn’t trust that man. That day made me think of all the times I woke up in pain and didn’t know why. That day I found out which made me hate him even more.
I didn’t tell my mom because any other time I tried to tell her about him cursing me out or whatever evil thing he did, she didn’t listen, and I got into trouble. The last time I cursed him out on my own, I got into trouble and was told that if I had a problem with him and to stay in a child’s place. I made it known that I didn’t like him and began to act out. Ultimately, I decided to go live with my dad where I would be safe. My mom left the guy while was gone.
A part of me was angry at her because I felt she was siding with him but at the same time, I didn’t tell her everything that happened. I just told her recently and she was in shock because she knew how passionate I was about not liking him but she didn’t know why.
The Unwanted Loss of My Virginity: Molestation, Unwanted/ Coerced Sexual Contact
When I was 15, I moved with my dad. I would go to visit my grandma a lot because she lived right around the corner. I had friends (kinda) there because we practically grew up together. My family knew their family so we would hang out from time to time. There was a kid I had a crush on but this story isn’t about him. It is about a new boy (Or so I thought) that moved in. I noticed that he would watch me and would try to be my friend, so I talked back. One day I went to the apartment he shared with his mom (thinking she was home) and hung out. We talked about a lot. He was from Trinidad, so he had an accent which I thought was cool.
Things went from us having a light conversation to him forcing me to sing for him and pretending he had a gun and would shoot me if I didn’t, so I sang. He also knew the guy I liked so he asked me about sex and I told him I wasn’t interested. He told me I wasn’t a virgin anyway and if he was the other boy I would do it to which I replied I wouldn’t. Then I remembered “the gun”. So I let him do whatever he wanted to me and afterward, he laughed and told me that I was telling the truth when I told him I was a virgin because I was bleeding. In the end, it turns out that he was actually in his twenties and not a teenager.
His age wouldn’t have made a difference but once I saw his high school diploma on the wall, I just went mute and left. I wasn’t the same after that. My family jumped to the conclusion that I was out having sex and all that. It went to the extent of me having to go to a counselor because they felt I was acting out sexually. I didn’t tell them what actually happened until I got fed up with everyone constantly trying to put me down and talking about this “Boyfriend” that I had. I was moved back with my mom and thankfully her relationship with that husband of hers had ended.
The Conception: Rape
After the loss of my virginity, I waited until I was 18 to have sex again. I was traumatized at that point. Once I got to college I tried to date but it didn’t work out so I went crazy. Eventually, I met my son’s father. He was an older guy so I assumed that relationship would work. Boy, was I wrong? Things were good at first but then he became mentally and verbally abusive. Which later turned into “you’re my woman so you’re going to have sex with me” and that was a constant line I would hear and how my son was conceived. I would put pillows over my face and cry during intercourse. Sometimes I would try to suffocate myself. I felt like I was nothing and maybe I deserved.
The day I found out I was pregnant was the day things became physical. I was told to leave so I began to pack my stuff and go. I told him I was never coming back and it didn’t sit well with him. He pinned me down and when I wouldn’t stop trying to get away he crushed my wrist with his hand. Yes, he literally broke my wrist with his bare hand. The breaking of my bone boosted my adrenaline so I was able to fight back and fight I did. Both of us ended up in the hospital. His stay was longer than mine. I went to get my arm wrapped and that’s when I found out I was pregnant. “I’m going to get you pregnant” replayed in my head over and over again and I felt like my life was over.
That pregnancy was THE WORST experience. I was very suicidal and depressed. Eventually, I did go back to him because I was told it was the best thing to do for my son but ended up leaving again, for good. Depending on him to help was something I never did and the reason I didn’t get an abortion was that I was against it and I felt I would punish myself instead. Let me tell you, a punishment it was. It still affects me and it’s hard to parent my son at times but I do it regardless. I don’t love him any less because it’s not his fault. It would be nice if he were an easier kid to deal with. He’s a handful for sure.
The last time: Rape
Back in 2015, I decided to move to Houston. I was laid off from my job and I felt I needed a change. It was a time where I needed a job so bad that I sucked up my pride and decided to work for Walmart as an Overnight Stocker. Going from working Social Media for a computer company to working retail was like a smack in the face. I even met a customer who tried flirting with me and then ended the conversation when he found out I wasn’t what he thought I was. Then came the new guy that was hired on. Women would swoon over him and get all giggly around him. There was no interest on my side so I ignored him. Eventually, I came around and talked to him. I still wasn’t interested in him though.
He decided to ask me to go with him to get something to eat on our break. I said cool, let’s go. We never made it to Jack in the Box. Instead, he drove me behind some closed buildings where I began to get annoyed and told him that it didn’t look like there was food there. He told me he knew that and told me to get in the back. My damaged self thought to myself “Well, you already know what he wants, just let him do whatever so you can go about your business”. He tried to force me to do oral and I fought him. So then he started pulling at my pants and I eventually gave in so I could just go back to work and end my shift.
I let him do his thing and we went back to the job. From that day on he harassed me about doing it again. Telling me how I was his girl and how much he enjoyed it. This went on for a week and would cause arguments through text because he was delusional. One day he decided to yell out in the store “are you trying to say I raped you?”. My response was, “I’m not saying anything. Just leave me alone”. He continued to bother me so I went to a manager who I felt comfortable with and he fired the guy. I decided to quit in case the guy tried to show up and look for me. That was the last time.